Deepest fear I have discovered so far…

I haven’t written on here for a while. I have been over thinking it for far too long.

I am tired of second guessing myself. Now it is time to step up and step into what I am meant to become. To show up, be myself and make my dreams a reality. This is simply documenting my process, my journey, I am not telling you what to do. These are just the steps that I have taken to get to this point in my life. Share what I have learned. As I continue to learn and grow I will show others how it is possible to make dreams a reality when you dedicate your life to continuously pursue growth.

I am confident that I will end right where I was meant to be. I will continue to take all actions necessary. Write down, what do I want? Why do I want it? What is stopping me? All things keep pointing the finger back to me.

I have to take responsibility for my own life. No excuses or looking to blame anyone else. It’s my fault, everything, it has always been. Once I realized this, it has empowered me so that I can do something about it to change my circumstances.

If not me, who? Living in fear will not be an option for me. Before, I used to think that I needed to get rid of the fear before pursuing a new goal or doing something completely new to me. Now I think of fear as something that I learn how to feel and deal with it instead of letting it stop me.

It’s a matter of perspective of what that fear means. When I was younger, I would think of fear as danger, so I would stop and not pursue something further for my own safety.

Now that very few things are actually life threatening dangerous situations, fear merely stops us for what we most want to do. Fear is an indicator. It is up to you to figure out what it means.

For me, the root issue came down to fear of abandonment. I had to think back when I was a kid and what led to this imbedded fear. Fear of my wife and family leaving me. Of being alone with no one to keep me company.

This has terrified me and I needed to find out why. There’s a couple experiences that I can recall that bring this fear to life.

I was at the store with my mom and siblings and I was so entertained looking at some clothes that by the time I looked around there were no recognizable faces around.

I panicked! I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to freak out but I couldn’t think clearly. I thought they had left me at the store on purpose or had forgotten about me. I ran around the corner and they were in the next isle. I was relieved to see them again.

Then I thought, where did this fear come from? It actually came from when I would get dropped off at the baby sitter. I thought my parents were trying to get rid of me and I thought they would never come back to get me.

I thought they they didn’t want me anymore because I pushed them over the edge by not behaving well.

From what I recall, I was so scared of never seeing or being with my family ever again. I kept crying and kept trying to justify the reasons why they would leave me.

In the afternoon, after spending the entire day at some strangers house, I was picked up by my parents and I felt happy that they decided to come back for me.

I think this fear has lead to different insecurities and recognizing those has helped me gain some self awareness. The better I know myself, the better I will be able to navigate through life and make better choices.

When I feel fear now, I think back how silly of me to think that my parents wouldn’t want me or didn’t love me. I reaffirm to myself. I am wanted, I am loved, I am enough, I belong.

What fear are you holding on to? How is it effecting you? How was your childhood like? We are like a tree, early experiences shape who we become. We can decide to go back and figure ourselves out so that we can discover how that fear plays out in our daily lives. We can change because we can create our own reality. Tell what is the truth from what happened. Highly recommend checking out Byron Katie’s -The Work. That helped me gain clarity on what emotions I experienced at the time and what I had still bottled up and never felt to protect myself.

We will still fear the fear but recognize why it is there and move past it. Not easy, but with practice it becomes something easier to spot.

Here’s to your growth and continuous learning.


About the author

Jessi Mendoza

Washington State University Alumni, Financial Services Professional, passionate about Self Development and investing in oneself.

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